DiamondSCattleCo
Well-known member
Emissions Control - The Cowboy Way
We here at The Cowboy Way owe you city slickers an apology.
For years now, we've accused y'all of destroying the environment with your fuel hungry, CO2 producing SUVs and pick'em up trucks that never have a load in the back. According to the "Latest Scientific Evidence", it appears as though its actually our cows that are wreaking havoc upon the climate of good ol' Mother Earth.
And even further, apparently its a crying shame, as these emissions could be easily controlled or reduced to neglible levels.
So what can we do to help? We want to make amends for the destructive powers of our bovine buddies.
We see cow belches are a primary source of methane. Do we have to bring them in three times daily and brush their teeth? Will this help, or will it simply mask the methane smell and make the ranch smell Crest Winter Fresh all year round? Does anyone know if the makers of Crest would be willing to donate several thousand giant tubes of toothpaste, and a few hundred AA batteries for our electric toothbrushes?
Perhaps we need to talk to that Gene Simmons guy. Find out how he ignited the gas in his mouth, and install the gizmo on all our cows? Will burnt methane be as destructive to our fragile environment as raw methane? Maybe, however it would certainly lend a new credibility to the term 'rotten fire-breathing SOB of a cow'.
Well, perhaps we can't control the ozone destroying excretions from the front end of the cow, so maybe we should be turning to the backsides for our answers.
We don't know how many of you have worked with cattle, but working the backside of a cow is always frought with danger. So whatever we come up with for a solution must be safe for the poor cowboys who will be using the devices.
Perhaps a rubber balloon tied to the backside of the animal that collects the destructive farts? It wouldn't be too bad to install, as long as you had a good horse and rope. Make sure its large enough that it would only have to changed once a week or so. Then we could sell the collected methane to some cash strapped oil and gas company. Would we need licenses to sell the gas? Since oil and gas reserves under the top 6 inches of soil are considered mineral deposits, and as such, do not belong to the land owner, would we then need to buy "air rights" to the methane collected from the animals who reside _above_ the top 6 inches of soil? Since methane is obviously lighter than air, how much could we store in a balloon before good ol' #69 simply takes flight?
Guess our fences will need to be made higher. The neighbors would likely take offense to Freddy the Bull floating past their windows and peering in to see whats for supper.
He always seems a little more gassy than other critters on the ranch.
Or, if we find out that burnt methane isn't near as destructive to the environment, perhaps we could install the Gene Simmons device on the tail end of the cow too? Certainly be easier than changing balloons once a week. Pulling a calf in the spring would be a little more exciting though. Oh well, we really didn't need those eyebrows anyway. And on a cold day, a little heat during the calving process may help the little fella get a quick start.
Since our critters are chief causes of the apocalypse, we can't help but think that other animals are equally destructive. Take a bear for example. Many bears are every bit as large as one of our cows, especially polar bears. There are some real monsters up north. Shouldn't we be looking at controlling their farts as well?
Since it would be difficult to change the methane balloons on a wild bear, we suspect we'll have to jump to using the KISS device immediately (barring, of course, no protests from the knowledgeable scientific community about uncontrolled burning of methane gas). We're not sure how we'll get an igniter stuffed up the butt of a polar bear, but we're willing to give it go if someone else is willing to try and cram one down its throat.
Hmmmm, perhaps the Ignito-Cow device wouldn't be such a great idea for use on polar bears. If we have all these polar bears roaring around, spitting and excreting fire, wouldn't that increase the average temperature in NukTayYukTuk, perhaps increasing the rate that the polar ice caps are melting, causing even more destruction to an already beaten environment?
We're sorry y'all. We just can't think of a single way to make amends for the damage the Diamond S Cattle Co. has caused.
Perhaps one of these ultra-knowledgeable scientists would be able to help us out a bit? After all, 600 years ago, global warming wasn't even a twinkle in Merlin The Wizard's eye, even though there were literally MILLIONS more animals walking the face of the earth. Since todays scientists have been able to figure out that we're doing more damage with fewer animals, we're sure finding a way to control bovine emissions would be childs play to one of these rocket scientists.
Rod
We here at The Cowboy Way owe you city slickers an apology.
For years now, we've accused y'all of destroying the environment with your fuel hungry, CO2 producing SUVs and pick'em up trucks that never have a load in the back. According to the "Latest Scientific Evidence", it appears as though its actually our cows that are wreaking havoc upon the climate of good ol' Mother Earth.
And even further, apparently its a crying shame, as these emissions could be easily controlled or reduced to neglible levels.
So what can we do to help? We want to make amends for the destructive powers of our bovine buddies.
We see cow belches are a primary source of methane. Do we have to bring them in three times daily and brush their teeth? Will this help, or will it simply mask the methane smell and make the ranch smell Crest Winter Fresh all year round? Does anyone know if the makers of Crest would be willing to donate several thousand giant tubes of toothpaste, and a few hundred AA batteries for our electric toothbrushes?
Perhaps we need to talk to that Gene Simmons guy. Find out how he ignited the gas in his mouth, and install the gizmo on all our cows? Will burnt methane be as destructive to our fragile environment as raw methane? Maybe, however it would certainly lend a new credibility to the term 'rotten fire-breathing SOB of a cow'.
Well, perhaps we can't control the ozone destroying excretions from the front end of the cow, so maybe we should be turning to the backsides for our answers.
We don't know how many of you have worked with cattle, but working the backside of a cow is always frought with danger. So whatever we come up with for a solution must be safe for the poor cowboys who will be using the devices.
Perhaps a rubber balloon tied to the backside of the animal that collects the destructive farts? It wouldn't be too bad to install, as long as you had a good horse and rope. Make sure its large enough that it would only have to changed once a week or so. Then we could sell the collected methane to some cash strapped oil and gas company. Would we need licenses to sell the gas? Since oil and gas reserves under the top 6 inches of soil are considered mineral deposits, and as such, do not belong to the land owner, would we then need to buy "air rights" to the methane collected from the animals who reside _above_ the top 6 inches of soil? Since methane is obviously lighter than air, how much could we store in a balloon before good ol' #69 simply takes flight?
Guess our fences will need to be made higher. The neighbors would likely take offense to Freddy the Bull floating past their windows and peering in to see whats for supper.
He always seems a little more gassy than other critters on the ranch.
Or, if we find out that burnt methane isn't near as destructive to the environment, perhaps we could install the Gene Simmons device on the tail end of the cow too? Certainly be easier than changing balloons once a week. Pulling a calf in the spring would be a little more exciting though. Oh well, we really didn't need those eyebrows anyway. And on a cold day, a little heat during the calving process may help the little fella get a quick start.
Since our critters are chief causes of the apocalypse, we can't help but think that other animals are equally destructive. Take a bear for example. Many bears are every bit as large as one of our cows, especially polar bears. There are some real monsters up north. Shouldn't we be looking at controlling their farts as well?
Since it would be difficult to change the methane balloons on a wild bear, we suspect we'll have to jump to using the KISS device immediately (barring, of course, no protests from the knowledgeable scientific community about uncontrolled burning of methane gas). We're not sure how we'll get an igniter stuffed up the butt of a polar bear, but we're willing to give it go if someone else is willing to try and cram one down its throat.
Hmmmm, perhaps the Ignito-Cow device wouldn't be such a great idea for use on polar bears. If we have all these polar bears roaring around, spitting and excreting fire, wouldn't that increase the average temperature in NukTayYukTuk, perhaps increasing the rate that the polar ice caps are melting, causing even more destruction to an already beaten environment?
We're sorry y'all. We just can't think of a single way to make amends for the damage the Diamond S Cattle Co. has caused.
Perhaps one of these ultra-knowledgeable scientists would be able to help us out a bit? After all, 600 years ago, global warming wasn't even a twinkle in Merlin The Wizard's eye, even though there were literally MILLIONS more animals walking the face of the earth. Since todays scientists have been able to figure out that we're doing more damage with fewer animals, we're sure finding a way to control bovine emissions would be childs play to one of these rocket scientists.
Rod
