jodywy
Well-known member
Putting the SQUEEZE on love
>by Gary Hodgson
>
>I recently stumbled onto what probably is the most important discovery
>of our century. It's nothing insignificant like the fountain of youth,
>a cure for the common cold or intelligent life on Mars (or in
>Washington DC). Nope, I've really discovered something.
>
>I've discovered the secret to a long, happy marriage.
>If couples contemplating marriage will follow my directions, they will
>know immediately if they are marrying the right person. My secret?
>
>A SQUEEZE CHUTE!
>
>Yep, those hinged, noisy, finger-pinching, knuckle-rappin', labor
>saving devices mark the hidden path to marital bliss.
>
>Forget showers for the prospective bride that only give her the
>impression that her towels will always match and her life will always
>have a place for a cappuccino machine. Discontinue bachelor parties
>where the groom gets the idea he'll still be able to get together with
>his buddies once in a while to have a wild "boys night out" without
>suffering dire consequences.
>
>Instead of these time-honored and totally misleading traditions, here's
>my plan. Weeks before the wedding, before the invitations have been
>printed and the church reserved, assemble the bride, groom, and about
>70 uncooperative crossbred cows and one of the industry's best squeeze
>chutes. The goal: With no outside help, let the two lovebirds process
>the cattle through the chute. Once this has been done, if they're
>still speaking to each other, this marriage will last. In short, all
>the problems a couple can encounter in life will be addressed right
>then and there.
>
>First, there's the question of authority. Who will be in charge? The
>boss, you see, gets to run the chute.
>The submissive partner brings the cattle up the alley to the chute.
>
>Once that issue has been addressed, there's the question of
>forgiveness. There'll be one old cow that does not want to go up the
>alley to the chute. She fights, bellers, and flings all kinds of
>bodily fluids over the one trying to coax her up the alleyway.
>Finally, after risking life and limb, the cow charges up the alley and
>right out of the chute. The "boss" on the head gate will likely miss
>her. How's the old forgiveness test going?
>
>Also there are lessons concerning compatibility to be learned. An
>aggressive "type A" personality on the chute won't be satisfied with
>the performance of a laid back "type B" bringing the cattle up.
>Hollering "more cattle" about 11 times usually brings a premature halt
>to the test proceedings.
>
>I know this system works. Not that long a go, I helped my oldest
>daughter and her husband work cattle at their feedlot. I was impressed
>at how well they worked together all day long. (He runs the chute; she
>always has one ready to enter). Those two will make it way past
>Valentine's Day.
>
>My first wife and I worked cattle together. That's probably why I must
>distinguish between first and second when speaking of wives. My
>present partner in life and love helped me put 400 yearling heifers
>through a schute on one of our dates. Any gal who could stand that is
>okay by my book. I ran the chute, but she told me how. That's pretty
>much still our system and it's a good one.
>
>So, the next time you see a couple looking all gooey-eyed at each
>other, don't buy them a toaster; get 'em a "Powder River" squeeze chute
>instead!
>by Gary Hodgson
>
>I recently stumbled onto what probably is the most important discovery
>of our century. It's nothing insignificant like the fountain of youth,
>a cure for the common cold or intelligent life on Mars (or in
>Washington DC). Nope, I've really discovered something.
>
>I've discovered the secret to a long, happy marriage.
>If couples contemplating marriage will follow my directions, they will
>know immediately if they are marrying the right person. My secret?
>
>A SQUEEZE CHUTE!
>
>Yep, those hinged, noisy, finger-pinching, knuckle-rappin', labor
>saving devices mark the hidden path to marital bliss.
>
>Forget showers for the prospective bride that only give her the
>impression that her towels will always match and her life will always
>have a place for a cappuccino machine. Discontinue bachelor parties
>where the groom gets the idea he'll still be able to get together with
>his buddies once in a while to have a wild "boys night out" without
>suffering dire consequences.
>
>Instead of these time-honored and totally misleading traditions, here's
>my plan. Weeks before the wedding, before the invitations have been
>printed and the church reserved, assemble the bride, groom, and about
>70 uncooperative crossbred cows and one of the industry's best squeeze
>chutes. The goal: With no outside help, let the two lovebirds process
>the cattle through the chute. Once this has been done, if they're
>still speaking to each other, this marriage will last. In short, all
>the problems a couple can encounter in life will be addressed right
>then and there.
>
>First, there's the question of authority. Who will be in charge? The
>boss, you see, gets to run the chute.
>The submissive partner brings the cattle up the alley to the chute.
>
>Once that issue has been addressed, there's the question of
>forgiveness. There'll be one old cow that does not want to go up the
>alley to the chute. She fights, bellers, and flings all kinds of
>bodily fluids over the one trying to coax her up the alleyway.
>Finally, after risking life and limb, the cow charges up the alley and
>right out of the chute. The "boss" on the head gate will likely miss
>her. How's the old forgiveness test going?
>
>Also there are lessons concerning compatibility to be learned. An
>aggressive "type A" personality on the chute won't be satisfied with
>the performance of a laid back "type B" bringing the cattle up.
>Hollering "more cattle" about 11 times usually brings a premature halt
>to the test proceedings.
>
>I know this system works. Not that long a go, I helped my oldest
>daughter and her husband work cattle at their feedlot. I was impressed
>at how well they worked together all day long. (He runs the chute; she
>always has one ready to enter). Those two will make it way past
>Valentine's Day.
>
>My first wife and I worked cattle together. That's probably why I must
>distinguish between first and second when speaking of wives. My
>present partner in life and love helped me put 400 yearling heifers
>through a schute on one of our dates. Any gal who could stand that is
>okay by my book. I ran the chute, but she told me how. That's pretty
>much still our system and it's a good one.
>
>So, the next time you see a couple looking all gooey-eyed at each
>other, don't buy them a toaster; get 'em a "Powder River" squeeze chute
>instead!