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Been awhile since my computer cooperated and let me log in - probably a good thing since I was addicted to the site. As some of you will remember, my wife decided I was working too hard and sold my cattle to the neighbor a while ago while I was in the hospital with my fifth heart attack. She...

After finally getting caught up on the chores I went to my doctor to determine the source of my sickness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked me in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it's very bad. You'd best put your affairs in...

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. --------------- Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." --------------- Only a Southerner can...

Sunday's sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." Toward the end of the service the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All responded this time except one small...

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me...

OK, I have had it. I've taken all that I can stand and I can't stand...no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen are effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui". Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual...

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her off to jail."

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courhouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens...

Doctors: a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. b. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000. c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services...

A distraught senior citizen phoned his doctor's office. "Is it true," he wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told him. There was a moment of silence before the senior gent replied. "I'm wondering, then...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan... What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts? Why...

Three little pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out...

Fine This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. Five Minutes If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house...

We all know Dick Lamm as the former Governor of Colorado. In that context his thoughts are particularly poignant. Last week there was an immigration-overpopulation conference in Washington, DC, filled to capacity by many of America's finest minds and leaders. A brilliant college professor...

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southerners? Answer: Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a hugh knife comes around the corner, locks eyes...

If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraqi theater during the past 22 months, that gives a firearm death radio of 60 per 100,000. The firearm death radio in Washington, D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you are more likely to be shot and killed in...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit in Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock...

The US Postal Service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow jackets away. The yellow jackets just veer around you. And all this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer! It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet...